Room
I have no discipline. Just now I made myself type "discipline" over and over until I could 1. not look at the keys 2. make myself memorize how to spell "discipline" (which I ruined just then three times) so that I can 3. learn to type as fast as I think and ultimately think better in the process.
Hi. This is Hi, Thoughts. You are looking into the brain of a man who doesn't even know if he's real. Right now I'm able to type this with some comfort knowing that my clothes are in the washer and I've developed a pile of new clothes for the second wash. I'm cleaning my room. I'm also cleaning house. It's Friday December 28th, 2018 but to me it feels like fucking Christmas.
Everyday that I wake up I feel like I'm fixing myself. Fine tuning. Like I'm updating my operating system. Today I fixed a few things. Right now I'm cleaning my room. I have clothes everywhere and I'm not comfortable. I want to turn my car into my room so why not turn my room into what I want my car to be too? I want a place to listen to music to as loud as I want and be naked and not be heard or seen or talked to unless I choose to talk. And I want to talk. A lot. I want to write and be free and... This what I'm working towards. I'm updating my operating system.
Whoever created Grindr is a genius. Who knew meeting up with people in close proximity of you who want to do exactly what you want to do with them at a mutual time of your agreeing was the wave? Over a decade later and the online meet-and-greet market is booming. That is a script that was written with all the variables known and applied. The straight world took that script and ruined it by being the straight world. We can go into that another time.
I'm figuring out what I want, unapologetically. If anything I'm evolving. Or devolving. I'm not sure which and I'm not sure if I'm doing one more than the other. This is what I think about everyday. Who am I? What do I want? Why did I do that? How do I feel about this? Why does this matter? How do I get what I want? What is the cost/benefit analysis of x and how does it interfere with z knowing all that we currently understand about y? I'm listening to a song called "Mirage" by Digitalism because it sounds like music a Macbook Pro would do molly to. I don't even know if I'm real anymore.
Then there's this human side of me. The side of me that is tired and lazy and devious and depraved. Lustful, arrogant, selfish, prideful, shamed, scared. How do I understand that? There's another 8 years of your life and counting trying to figure it out. Managing all of these thoughts and trying to live normally amongst humans you abhor is even more difficult. You see allll of the faults in you. Or the perceived faults. You analyze them to hell and back. You hate yourself and then love yourself in spite of it all. You correct as much as you can. You try to be as you as possible without hurting other people. *Cue long exhale for completion* "But wait, there's more."
These are the same standards I place on all people. What are you in control of? What are you actually in control of? How would you know? Have you tested out your hypothesis? You have? Okay, here's a follow up question about the reasoning to A. I don't understand... I ask myself the questions so often that when I hear people talk my brain's been burning fumes on that mode for ten hours. If I annoy you I honestly cannot help myself more than I already am. I'm a machine. People, however, are not machines.
They act like it. A majority of the people are the same. We all eat. McDonald's has served billions for a reason. People like Beyonce for a reason. Most of us like to play and laugh, see beautiful artwork and listen to music. In those cracks fall race, belief, mental health, region, diet, time of birth and death, current environment, past, education, training, genetics, etc. Each of those presents very layered and very beautiful sides of people that no one could sum up in a thousand sittings.
On the very same canvas we have their darkness. Some of what makes a person beautiful is derived from great struggle, pain, loss, sadness, helplessness, pride, arrogance, power, selfishness, etc. How these colors mix and come out depends on the temperament of the person from birth, how it was altered, beaten, broken, nurtured, what it was exposed to, what era it was in, were the parents right for the child, was one thing or were there a million variables that were missed in making this a success or was everything in place and they still decided to be a cunt? Why don't people use turn signals?
Hi. This is Hi, Thoughts. You are looking into the brain of a man who doesn't even know if he's real. I fixed a few things today. I'm about to put my clothes in the dryer.
Hi. This is Hi, Thoughts. You are looking into the brain of a man who doesn't even know if he's real. Right now I'm able to type this with some comfort knowing that my clothes are in the washer and I've developed a pile of new clothes for the second wash. I'm cleaning my room. I'm also cleaning house. It's Friday December 28th, 2018 but to me it feels like fucking Christmas.
Everyday that I wake up I feel like I'm fixing myself. Fine tuning. Like I'm updating my operating system. Today I fixed a few things. Right now I'm cleaning my room. I have clothes everywhere and I'm not comfortable. I want to turn my car into my room so why not turn my room into what I want my car to be too? I want a place to listen to music to as loud as I want and be naked and not be heard or seen or talked to unless I choose to talk. And I want to talk. A lot. I want to write and be free and... This what I'm working towards. I'm updating my operating system.
Whoever created Grindr is a genius. Who knew meeting up with people in close proximity of you who want to do exactly what you want to do with them at a mutual time of your agreeing was the wave? Over a decade later and the online meet-and-greet market is booming. That is a script that was written with all the variables known and applied. The straight world took that script and ruined it by being the straight world. We can go into that another time.
I'm figuring out what I want, unapologetically. If anything I'm evolving. Or devolving. I'm not sure which and I'm not sure if I'm doing one more than the other. This is what I think about everyday. Who am I? What do I want? Why did I do that? How do I feel about this? Why does this matter? How do I get what I want? What is the cost/benefit analysis of x and how does it interfere with z knowing all that we currently understand about y? I'm listening to a song called "Mirage" by Digitalism because it sounds like music a Macbook Pro would do molly to. I don't even know if I'm real anymore.
Then there's this human side of me. The side of me that is tired and lazy and devious and depraved. Lustful, arrogant, selfish, prideful, shamed, scared. How do I understand that? There's another 8 years of your life and counting trying to figure it out. Managing all of these thoughts and trying to live normally amongst humans you abhor is even more difficult. You see allll of the faults in you. Or the perceived faults. You analyze them to hell and back. You hate yourself and then love yourself in spite of it all. You correct as much as you can. You try to be as you as possible without hurting other people. *Cue long exhale for completion* "But wait, there's more."
These are the same standards I place on all people. What are you in control of? What are you actually in control of? How would you know? Have you tested out your hypothesis? You have? Okay, here's a follow up question about the reasoning to A. I don't understand... I ask myself the questions so often that when I hear people talk my brain's been burning fumes on that mode for ten hours. If I annoy you I honestly cannot help myself more than I already am. I'm a machine. People, however, are not machines.
They act like it. A majority of the people are the same. We all eat. McDonald's has served billions for a reason. People like Beyonce for a reason. Most of us like to play and laugh, see beautiful artwork and listen to music. In those cracks fall race, belief, mental health, region, diet, time of birth and death, current environment, past, education, training, genetics, etc. Each of those presents very layered and very beautiful sides of people that no one could sum up in a thousand sittings.
On the very same canvas we have their darkness. Some of what makes a person beautiful is derived from great struggle, pain, loss, sadness, helplessness, pride, arrogance, power, selfishness, etc. How these colors mix and come out depends on the temperament of the person from birth, how it was altered, beaten, broken, nurtured, what it was exposed to, what era it was in, were the parents right for the child, was one thing or were there a million variables that were missed in making this a success or was everything in place and they still decided to be a cunt? Why don't people use turn signals?
Hi. This is Hi, Thoughts. You are looking into the brain of a man who doesn't even know if he's real. I fixed a few things today. I'm about to put my clothes in the dryer.
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